How Winston McKenzie became Croydon’s No. 1 public enema
It seems every election has a wildcard in the pack, and this year Winston McKenzie, the candidate who said ‘Croydon is a dump!’, is out to get your votes again.
KEN TOWL read his manifesto, so you don’t have to
In his very verbose two-page pitch to the people of Croydon, His Excellency the Ambassador, Dr Winston McKenzie, Independent Candidate for Mayor of Croydon, says, “This town needs an enema!
McKenzie really wants to be that enema, figuratively inserting herself into the borough’s foundations in order to create a capitalized “NEW MONEY” trickle-down treatment.
I found this promise attractive. It sounded like exactly the kind of investment the city needed, far beyond the vague hints of tip-cutting and graffiti-removal that characterize the most mundane candidates.
However, in the interest of democracy, big promises require careful scrutiny.
In order to increase much-needed investment, His Excellency “came to the dynamic concept of a new Commonwealth agenda”.
His plans have been verified by someone. That someone – we’re given nothing so sleazy as a name – called his plan a “project worth doing”.
So let’s take the trouble to evaluate the plan. Naturally, McKenzie brags about his “recent appointment as UN Peace Ambassador.”
This is a newly created role. So recent, in fact, that a search of the UN website still yields no information about it.
Lists of arguably similar United Nations Goodwill Ambassadors and United Nations Messengers of Peace also do not include Winston McKenzie’s name. But if Caprio’s Leonardo can be a messenger of peace, I don’t know why McKenzie can’t.
McKenzie’s most recent promotion to ambassador status has him moving and shaking with “the movers and shakers of this world.” The only actor or agitator he names is His Eminence Professor Madhu Krishan, the “United Nations President of India” who “came specially” to meet McKenzie.
It turns out that Madhu is actually the honorary chairman of the United Nations office for global development, an honorary position he holds in part because of work he did with an organization that supports American-style democracy. in Albania and partly for his educational work with the Academy. of Universal World Peace. He is also Principal of Oxford Higher Academy.
Although Oxford Higher Academy is not linked to the more famous Oxford University in Oxford, the Academy awards degrees. You can buy them for only $1,800 – I think I might go for “Master of Art in Organizational [sic] and global leadership”. It’s much faster and cheaper than three years and £27,000 of student debt incurred at a brick-and-mortar university. Well done Winston!
Of the eight candidates seeking to become the first executive mayor of our London city borough in the May 5 election, only McKenzie has the breadth of vision to include an agricultural agenda. Unless you take Farah London’s five words ‘bring indoor farming to Croydon’ as serious policy.
Indeed, McKenzie’s Commonwealth Holistic Agriculture Agenda “will set the tone for the regeneration of our borough.”
Since McKenzie does not specify in his manifesto what his program is, I took the trouble to ask him. He quickly emailed the response, although he was “inundated”. I have serious doubts that any of the other candidates, if elected, would do the same, especially if similarly overwhelmed.
And now the secret can be out: McKenzie has been named “Commonwealth Ambassador for a company known as Envirolizer, Ltd., which specializes in the distribution of holistic fertilizers around the world…”
It’s not shit! It is a holistic fertilizer! And McKenzie is doubly an ambassador. “We will export the holistic fertilizer from our Hertfordshire plant to [Africa and the Caribbean] and import their products and other products, such as silk, alcohol, exotic plants, etc. The ripple effect will be the creation of a vibrant Commonwealth Center in Croydon, employing 10,000 people in the first six months. 5,000 for Croydon and 5,000 in the Commonwealth respectively.
Please note that none of the other seven mayoral candidates has promised to provide 5,000 jobs to the borough in their first six months in office. McKenzie promises jobs for “skilled laborers and truck drivers” as well as salespeople, managers, cleaners, accountants and secretaries.
I have verified the financial status of Envirolizer with Companies House. Its turnover in the financial year ending April 2021 was £1,746. Its total value is minus £23,325. No doubt that will change soon after Mayor McKenzie’s year-long good fertilizer sales.
Education is also targeted by McKenzie. In his manifesto, His Excellency postulates “a new state-of-the-art facility… housing an ‘Academy of Music, Film and Dance’ which will include computing and sports.” In the email he sent me, he says he has turned the “Old Gas Showrooms, opposite the Fairfield Halls into a Youth Academy for home-schooled youngsters”. It will be ready in two years.
Another reason to vote for McKenzie? The other candidates don’t want you to do this.
While they’re all, of course, begging you to vote for your “first preference,” none of them are suggesting giving Winston your second preference. Even the generous Gavin Francis Luffa Palmer ignores it. Palmer, the former Conservative candidate whose manifesto states you should “vote for an independent mayor with your first-preference and second-preference votes” illustrates this with “Pell, Under, Lon” – meaning Andrew Pelling (independent) , Peter Underwood (Green Party) and Farah London (Leading Party). Winston McKenzie is no one’s number two.
If that was a little too scatological for your taste, I apologize. I didn’t start it. Credit rests firmly on the doorstep of Croydon’s own Public Enema No1.
Become a patron!