Humor: 10 game tips for March Madness | Special Sections
1. What vibrations do they give off?
Don’t rely on something like skill and how well they’ve done this season, what kind of vibe do they give off? Do you feel winning vibes from your team?
2. Are their uniforms cute?
The other team’s uniform is outdated and doesn’t even match the stadium colors. Don’t put your money on a bunch of losers who can’t color coordinate.
3. Bet on where you come from
Are you also from the great state of Wisconsin? The choice is easy. Wisconsin babyyyyyy.
4. Learn to count cards
Bad form of betting, but it can’t hurt to learn.
5. The Knicks will eventually win
Not only is it not the NBA, but neither will they, and I lost an amount of money that would make the average college student sick to their stomachs.
6. Bribe a player to dive
You know how you will definitely get a perfect support? Rig a network of players in each university in the tournament to play deliberately bad.
7. Steal money to bet
Eliminate the risk of overhead on yourself and open a line of credit with your least favorite relative, then take out a large cash advance to bet on. If you win, they will forgive you.
8. Make a ritual sacrifice to Fortuna, the Roman god of luck
Find the nearest cow and place her on the ritual altar as you offer her life to Wisconsin to bring her home.
9. Create a complicated sports betting algorithm based on past team performance and run multiple simulations to predict the outcome
Only if you have time.
10. Pray to God
You invested your rent money because you were absolutely sure your team would win and now it looks like they won’t. Like all the other times when your life has gone wrong, turn your attention to God and pray for all members of the opposing team to be miraculously injured in a freak accident. Make a ridiculous promise like “God if they win I’ll never bet again”, then immediately speak out on that promise and bet on the next game because you’ve outwitted a god.